by Dea Vidovic

Where do I start?
I have thought so long and hard about what I want to write about. So long I was all out of ideas, only to find something at a time when my head was suddenly filled with a million ideas.
Then I asked myself, which topic has recently occupied me the most? To my surprise, the answer was right there the whole time.
Calmness, I wanted to write about calmness.
If you give yourself a second to think about everything without rushing your thought process, there’s a sense nothing will get done. Suddenly everything starts coming at you, what happens then?
 That’s when I quickly noticed what is missing: serenity.
With every huge change that has taken place at different stages in my life, I notice how much I miss the feeling of calmness.
What are the facets of serenity for me? There are several. 
The breakthrough, confusion, allowance, centre, hold, connect and secure.
Breakthrough-I first try to break through the confusion. Despite hours of despair, despite confused thoughts and situations, I gain the confidence that was previously lacking in order to create a sense of urgency that everything must be solved immediately at once.
Allowance-  Let serenity allow things to rest and thus to be able to reach a sense of closure. Serenity allows mistakes, imperfection and doubt. However the decisive moment for me here is the allowance gets me to a neutral space for reflection.
Centre-Serenity centres my mind on my needs and wishes, which are relevant in the here & now.
Holding-Hold this feeling to the end and  take confidence in it and trust that the sentiment will last.
Serenity connects. If I want to hold something convulsively, then it doesn’t work.
For me these aspects are the coexistence of different facets that make up serenity. Not everything will be equally important, so one should prioritise given the occasion. Each individual situation will decide what is needed.
Where I am at the moment? I am rebooting, to strengthen and gain allowance to trust in myself and in my needs. To take my thoughts and feelings seriously and to give me more time.

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach once said :
Serenity is a graceful form of self-confidence.
I have thought about this quote for a great deal of time & used it to reflect on my own experiences and question certain things.
Why have I lost my composure ? Why is it more difficult for me now than before?
I found the answer to her quote.
My self-confidence has changed, it is crumbling.
I hold on desperately to what is not in my power.  I want to accelerate in ways which are not possible yet. I’m taking things personally and not focusing on myself properly whether it be my self-image or being highly conscious of how I interact with others. Things become more demanding, stricter and more critical, as well as more insecurities.
However, that’s when I decide to take why I take a facet of serenity with me: it secures me.

Music: Rhye with the album Woman.

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